Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 – circa 1914) was an American Civil War soldier, wit, and writer. Bierce is best known for his "howlingly funny" book The Devil's Dictionary, which was named as one of "The 100 Greatest Masterpieces of American Literature" by the American Revolution Bicentennial Administration.
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Academe n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy n.: A modern school where football is taught.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
Land: A part of the earth's surface considered as property. The theory that land is property, subject to private ownership and control, is the foundation of modern society and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Men become civilized not in proportion to their willingness to believe but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.