Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 – circa 1914) was an American Civil War soldier, wit, and writer. Bierce is best known for his "howlingly funny" book The Devil's Dictionary, which was named as one of "The 100 Greatest Masterpieces of American Literature" by the American Revolution Bicentennial Administration.

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Read more about Ambrose Bierce on Wikipedia.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

All are lunatics but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.

Beauty n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Marriage n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master a mistress and two slaves making in all two.

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels levers and springs and believes it civilization.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way commonly with the property of another.

When you doubt abstain.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves and good fortune to others.

A man is known by the company he organizes.

Ambidextrous adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark usually quoted and seldom noted, what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

Painting n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Genius - to know without having learned, to draw just conclusions from unknown premises, to discern the soul of things.

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