Dave Barry

Because of the level of my chess game I was able - even against a weak opponent such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

To an adolescent there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearney today. She definitely carried Bishop Kearney today.

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."

Most married couples even though they love each other very much in theory tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling of the dark of lobsters of falling on lobsters in the dark or speaking before a Rotary Club and of the words "Some Assembly Required

He'd tried to strike up a conversation with her.

To enter Europe you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard the Internet does not operate at the speed of light, it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Today of course it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures.

Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard which is why he never used it.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will give you this look that says `My God you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

We idolized the Beatles except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Admit it sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose " which is also sometimes called "grape sugar" and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier in terms of marketing than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel " which is what it tastes like.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero meaning "ability to " and bics meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

UNIVAC: a device which contained 20 000 vacuum tubes occupied 1 500 square feet and weighed 40 tons, there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn

I gotta tell you ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of that line and bringing it in here.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Dogs need to sniff the ground, it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper containing all kinds of late-breaking news items which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Thanks to my solid academic training today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.

'You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE.'' This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.

Congress after years of stalling finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics, this is how we stay objective.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

In 1765 Parliament passed the Stamp Act which as any American high school student can tell you was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.

Once again we come to the Holiday Season a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.

If in reading the following pages you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a lawsuit I was kidding.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period just like the Roman Empire.

one of South Florida's most vital natural resources a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurricane of hypocrisy hokum and hype.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire water gravel and vinyl.

There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes too.

The question is why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing on national television that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."

I care about our young people and I wish them great success because they are our Hope for the Future and some day when my generation retires they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.

A gene can be either dominant or recessive depending on which type of gene it is.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today .. and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history dating back to the time millions of years ago when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock tossed the rock into the air and whomped the club into the sl

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know the guy in that place. The guy in the place with the thing you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally we realize that I mean the Pope.

Where did I leave my reading glasses?

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

USER n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'

More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.

It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually when it forms itself into large groups it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant without even considering if there's a man on base.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads he would have made them cute and furry.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

And I think it says something about Steve as a performer and as a man that no one noticed.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International a cramped and dingy labyrinth the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!

In Spain attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich you wind up with a dish whose name when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary turns out to mean: Eel with big abscess.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg despite the fact that the egg is relative to them the size of Wisconsin.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.)

New York Taxi Rules: 1. Driver speaks no English. 2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace like Segal. 3. Driver hates you.

And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times so we said hello.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace, snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January only more intelligent.

A full-grown manatee which can weigh more than 1 000 pounds looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

We've actually gotten better musically over the years ... But we've come to realize that we will never be good.

I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature. I'd put it right up there.

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war global warming and Windows.

I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams He would have equipped our skin with small clearly marked doors.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration with one prankster even going so far as to actually write John Hancock.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog we can assume it will be pretty bad.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent informed computer enthusiasts by which I mean "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...

If you have a big enough dictionary just about everything is a word.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Florida's number three industry behind tourism and skin cancer is voter fraud

It was Public Art defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that in terms of complexity make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.

This is true, virtually all edible substances and many automotive products are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.

I've been asked to make an announcement ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've been asked to remove it from the Sun Valley area.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.