Dave Barry

Dave Barry

David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.

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Your basic guy is into a straight-ahead bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history dating back to the time millions of years ago when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock tossed the rock into the air and whomped the club into the sl

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know the guy in that place. The guy in the place with the thing you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally we realize that I mean the Pope.

Where did I leave my reading glasses?

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

USER n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'

More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.

It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually when it forms itself into large groups it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant without even considering if there's a man on base.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads he would have made them cute and furry.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

And I think it says something about Steve as a performer and as a man that no one noticed.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International a cramped and dingy labyrinth the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!

In Spain attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich you wind up with a dish whose name when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary turns out to mean: Eel with big abscess.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg despite the fact that the egg is relative to them the size of Wisconsin.

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