Dave Barry

Dave Barry

David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.

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Read more about Dave Barry on Wikipedia.

We had three pairs of women's underwear on stage after our show in Seattle. Of course they were on the large side ...

You can use the Internet to find out from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England, exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities, and much much more.

And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

In the past decade or so the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner which they learned in Wood Shop, eventually when enough things in the home are broken they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

Drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.

Dave Barry Turns 50

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

As a child I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

There are two distinctive classes of people today those who have personal computers and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

There are many silly superstitions about lightning and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky anytime anywhere and kill you.

I realize that I'm generalizing here but as is often the case when I generalize I don't care.

The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.

The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism a complex string of syllables.

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists and we will frankly print just about any wacky thing they tell us especially if it involves outer space.

In fact just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon the Badlands the Goodlands the Mediocrelands the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.

Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting but not the part where you try to hit the little ball, only the part where you drive the cart.)

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

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