Dave Barry

Dave Barry

David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.

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I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere, I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph which could soon be found in thousands of American homes where it basically sat until 1923 when the record was invented.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

To better understand why you need a personal computer let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth with a top speed of 120 feet per second is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Magnetism as you recall from physics class is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

What exactly is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer anywhere that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo

The term SAT is a set of initials or autonym standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for with a newspaper column is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones, he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often as a sign of their great respect they don't even invite me.

I recently had my annual physical examination which I get once every seven years and when the nurse weighed me I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless brain-rotting drivel on TV we on the Internet are exchanging freely and openly the most uninhibited intimate and yes shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Like many members of the uncultured Cheez-It consuming public I am not good at grasping modern art.

Geographically Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

In South Florida we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting or "fat recycling" wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large such as your buttocks and injected into your lips, people will then be literally kissing ass.

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