Emo Philips (February 7, 1956) is an American comedian. Much of his stand-up comedy makes use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice. The confused, childlike delivery of his material produces the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
You know at parties people always ask 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well I don't have an alibi!
Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn that she was conscious, from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
He taught me never to smile which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
When I wake up in the morning I just can't get started until I've had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh I've tried other enemas.