Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I'm a great lover I'll bet.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads where they are safe.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

You know at parties people always ask 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well I don't have an alibi!

Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

The way I understand it the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn that she was conscious, from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I once had a large gay following but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

He taught me never to smile which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well new to me.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Well my brother says Hello. So hooray for speech therapy.

When I wake up in the morning I just can't get started until I've had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh I've tried other enemas.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any they gave you some.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet and I was gonna keep it rather than return it but I thought: well if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I ran five miles today. Then finally I said 'Here lady...take your purse.'

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said "You'll be sorry." He said "Oh yeah? Why?" I said "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I asked my girlfriend 'Will you marry me?' She said 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says 'Hello!'

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather who said: 'A truck!'

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was in a bar the other night hopping from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Actually my cd was released in 1985 in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

People always ask me "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well I don't have an alibi.

Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said 'Get off me you two!'

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My computer beat me at checkers but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Whatever happened to the good ole days when children worked in factories?

I was sleeping the other night alone thanks to the exterminator.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.