Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I'm a great lover I'll bet.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads where they are safe.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

You know at parties people always ask 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well I don't have an alibi!

Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

The way I understand it the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn that she was conscious, from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I once had a large gay following but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

He taught me never to smile which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well new to me.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Well my brother says Hello. So hooray for speech therapy.

When I wake up in the morning I just can't get started until I've had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh I've tried other enemas.