Fran Lebowitz

Do not on a rainy day ask your child what he feels like doing because I assure you that what he feels like doing you won't feel like watching.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

When you leave New York you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors a location where it cannot be argued there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

To put it rather bluntly I am not the type who wants to go back to the land, I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.