Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Go and never darken my towels again.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.

In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Those are my principles and if you don't like them... well I have others.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you.

I didn't like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent as written in our contract.