Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
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Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said "You're gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.
I know a lot about cars man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Every time I go and shave I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say 'I'm gonna go shave too.'
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.