Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

What a dog, I got his favorite bone is in my arm.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

With me nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now we'll never see each other!

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world but he know he can't.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

My cousins gay he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My marriage is on the rocks again yeah my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My wife met me at the door, the other night, in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot but I always found them.

Yeah I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide, he exposes himself.

On Halloween the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My mother never breast fed me she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist two plumbers and a bartender.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

The way my luck is running if I was a politician I would be honest.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

We sleep in separate rooms we have dinner apart we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up a blind man was reading my face.