This is the sixth book I've written which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Author: George Burns

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.