I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

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Explore More Quotes by George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat b

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Some people see things that are and ask Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask Wh

Some people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

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    I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

    I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

    You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

    You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

    We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

    We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

    Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

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