Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?

Author: Groucho Marx

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Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Marry or not? Whichever you do, you will repent it.

Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s lifetime.