I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over He would have put diamonds on the f

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Author: Joan Rivers

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Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Never floss with a stranger.

The only way to escape the corruptible effect of praise is to go on working.

Bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you're willing to work.