The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

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Explore More Quotes by Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all ov

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss with a stranger.

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    Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

    Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends. 

    I love to travel, but hate to arrive.

    I love to travel, but hate to arrive.

    In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.

    In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.

    What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.

    What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.

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