I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Every girl who has dated a football player, they all have sex the same way.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.