I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.