If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

When you are missing someone, time seems to move slower, and when I’m falling in love with someone, time seems to be moving faster.

My heart never knew loneliness until you went away.

Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow’s dark array, – Days of absence, I am weary; She I love is far away.

You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry.