My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song, no matter how bad they are.

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”

I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.