Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Author: Phyllis Diller

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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song, no matter how bad they are.

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

I love to travel, but hate to arrive.

In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.

What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.