Bacchus n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

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The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel.

Bizarre travel plans are dancing lessons from God.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.