I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Author: Steven Wright

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines because I always had a car thing.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.