The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Author: Steven Wright

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When you are missing someone, time seems to move slower, and when I’m falling in love with someone, time seems to be moving faster.

My heart never knew loneliness until you went away.

Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow’s dark array, – Days of absence, I am weary; She I love is far away.

You ain't gonna miss your water until your well runs dry.