When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

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Explore More Quotes by Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights do

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

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    Good night and sweet dreams, my love!

    Good night and sweet dreams, my love!

    Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

    Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends. 

    Every girl who has dated a football player, they all have sex the same way.

    Every girl who has dated a football player, they all have sex the same way.

    Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.

    Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.

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