I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said 'Get off me you two!'

Author: Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.