Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume

Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Author: Emo Philips

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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

The natural thing, my lord, men and women joined.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping.

She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won.