Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Author: Fran Lebowitz

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Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The body is a source of endless trouble to us by reason of the mere requirement of food.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.