On this team we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job.
Lou Holtz
I feel like I came out of the womb and was punted - there you go out in the world!
Drew Barrymore
The years like great black oxen tread the world and God the herdsman goads them on behind and I am broken by their passing feet.
William Butler Yeats
I'm sure there's going to be some material from This Is Not Going To Be Pretty. I usually use that song to just introduce myself to the audience although the patter in between the song is always different.
Harvey Fierstein
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there the guy was locking the front door. I said 'Hey the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Yes but not in a row.'
Steven Wright
I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
Josh Billings
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen
Fashions after all are only induced epidemics.
George Bernard Shaw
The world is a perpetual caricature of itself, at every moment it is the mockery and the contradiction of what it is pretending to be.
George Santayana
