Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

I think therefore I am. I think.

The Answer to the Great Question Of.....Life the Universe and Everything.....(is) Forty-two.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK, but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, 'Act swiftly awesome pachyderm!'

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Love is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Woody Allen

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor

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