Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?

Doug Coupland

Life is a series of dogs

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy.

Steve Martin

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

H. L. Mencken

There was a man from Sung who pulled at his rice plants because he was worried about their failure to grow.

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Europeans like some Americans drive on the right side of the road except in England where they drive on both sides of the road, Italy where they drive on the sidewalk, and France where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.

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