Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Mark Twain

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes and far more expensive.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.

The English winter - ending in July, To recommence in August.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Each year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George Burns

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing doing nothing and being nothing.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

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