Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

That's the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

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Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you're going to be right.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV you're not considered well viewed.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

All generalizations are false including this one.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy, if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.

I don't know who my grandfather was, I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.

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