Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost.

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am, will never work in this town again.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

My songs are like my children - I expect them to support me when I'm old.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

I have as much authority as the Pope I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

With me nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now we'll never see each other!

Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations that a young person who either marries or dies is sure of being kindly spoken of.

The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

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