Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

I seldom end up where I wanted to go but almost always end up where I need to be.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell it is simply purgatory.

God works wonders now and then, Behold a lawyer an honest man.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

I believe in equality for everyone except reporters and photographers.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

All philosophies, if you ride them home, are nonsense, but some are greater nonsense than others.

Never floss with a stranger.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

I won't say that the papers misquote me, but I sometimes wonder where Christianity would be today if some of those reporters had been Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Don't knock the weather, nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

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