Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

Every one desires to live long but no one would be old.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Albert Einstein

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

George Carlin

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Some people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

George Carlin

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

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