Funny Quotes

Best Funny sayings - browse and share beautiful high-quality funny picture quotes, jokes and aphorisms.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time somewhere someone said to themselves "You know I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Don't Panic

The book you don't read won't help.

If the facts don't fit the theory change the facts.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the bible says love your enemy.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.

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