Woody Allen

We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam, I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

Of all the wonders of nature a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.

In my house I'm the boss my wife is just the decision maker.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world from emotional crimes to international crimes and it often carries rewards.

We were married by a reformed rabi in Long Island. A very reformed rabi a Nazi.

Hannah and Her Sisters.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I am at two with nature

I don't respond well to mellow you know what I mean I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow I-I ripen and then rot.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Life is full of misery loneliness and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternity is really long especially near the end

It's not that I'm afraid to die I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I don't believe in the after life although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you're not failing every now and again it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If man were immortal do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

When we played softball I'd steal second base feel guilty and go back.

I think people should mate for life like pigeons or Catholics

The lion and the calf will lay down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I'd call him a sadistic hippophilic necrophile but that would be beating a dead horse.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

In California they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Probably in retrospect I should have bowed out of that relationship (with Farrow) much earlier than I did.

The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

one of the truly lucky things that happened to me in my life.

Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I've gained no insight no mellowing. I would make the same mistakes again.

Thing

I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

On the plus side death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.