Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer

I am not afraid of death I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Love is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

If my film makes one more person miserable I've done my job

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Cloquet hated reality, but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

No one will be petty about this and we can forget about our differences and I will not have to refer to my French fried potatoes as 'freedom fries' and I don't have to freedom kiss my wife when I really want to French kiss her. So let's pull together now.

I've often said the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

The food here is terrible and the portions are too small.

We like food ... This is too much to eat at one time. You'd get sick.

The chief problem about death incidentally is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing, between 5 it's fantastic.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

I learned a few things on my own since and modified some of the things he taught me but everything unequivocally that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

All the crap that they tell you about ... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years -- it's all tripe ... I've gained no wisdom no insight no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again today.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If it turns out that there is a God I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Man consists of two parts his mind and his body only the body has more fun.

The higher the school rating the better off we are in having perspective projects look at our area

Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion ' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller an idol of my childhood in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

believe it when I see it.

The Colgate Comedy Hour.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

To you I'm an atheist, to God I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Some guy hit my fender and I told him 'Be fruitful and multiply ' but not in those words.

I am very attached to this watch. My grandfather sold it to me when he was dying.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It is a known secret that organized crime in America takes in over 40 billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Everytime I hear Wagner I feel like invading Poland.

Where am I anyhow? I mean what happened to everybody?

If there is reincarnation I'dd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If my films don't show a profit I know I'm doing something right.

If you don't fail now and again it's a sign you're playing it safe.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe

You mellow too much you ripen and rot

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you'd like to know how to get from the Big Apple to the Big Easy take Highway Love and you'll get there.

Interestingly according to modern astronomers space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I can't vouch for this film in all honesty

Is knowledge knowable? If not how do we know this?

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls seize the opportunities and get back home by six o'clock.

I'm a timid person-I was beaten up by Quakers

It's all right Kate I understand...

A lion and a lamb can lay toghether but the lamb will get little sleep.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night for instance I was mugged by a quaker.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately it's the government.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Some actors like the total freedom Woody gives them but I like to have some parameters some structure.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

All people know the same truth, our lives consist of how we choose to distort them

If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

Early in life I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety

My brain? That

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I like the film and that's rare for me to say because I make films and I am almost invariably disappointed. When I saw ('Match Point') I said 'My God it came out.' It surprised me. . . . So I am enjoying the experience because it happens so rarely for me.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear

Why are our days numbered and not say lettered?

I let the cast improvise a lot especially with the slang where they would say 'g and t' for gin and tonic. I wouldn't say that. I would say 'dicey' when they would say 'dodgy.' I learnt a lot.

I think any boycott is wrong ... Boycotts were exactly what the Germans were doing against the Jews.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

My family members are here with me because they're afraid to stay at home. There is no excuse for it. This is just uncalled for. It goes beyond courtesy. It's protection of life.

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words

Recently there has been a lot of controversy between the countries and I would hope that now the two countries could put all that behind them and start to build on what really has been a great friendship

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet

He was so depressed he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

R

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Eighty percent of success is just showing up

I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Now we're in the final stages. There's a lot of (due diligence) work to be done in the next 120 days but it feels good to get everybody on board.

All the crap that they tell you about ... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe ... I've gained no wisdom no insight no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again today.

A relationship I think is like a shark you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

If you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans.

As the poet said "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I didn't know he was dead, I thought he was British

Side Effects Not only is there no God but try getting a plumber on the weekend.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

There are two types of people in this world good and bad. The good sleep better but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

No I'm not a very social person.

one of the fortuitous events one of the great pieces of luck in my life.

Every time I've made a movie over the years . . . there was a lot of confusion between who I am and who the character in the movie is. In this picture there was no way anybody could make that association. The lead character (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is this gorgeous troubled highly sensitive character. There was no way anyone could confuse me with anyone in the picture.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition taught never to marry a Gentile woman shave on a Saturday night and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam, I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

Of all the wonders of nature a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.

In my house I'm the boss my wife is just the decision maker.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world from emotional crimes to international crimes and it often carries rewards.

We were married by a reformed rabi in Long Island. A very reformed rabi a Nazi.

Hannah and Her Sisters.

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I am at two with nature

I don't respond well to mellow you know what I mean I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow I-I ripen and then rot.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Life is full of misery loneliness and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternity is really long especially near the end

It's not that I'm afraid to die I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I don't believe in the after life although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you're not failing every now and again it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If man were immortal do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

When we played softball I'd steal second base feel guilty and go back.

I think people should mate for life like pigeons or Catholics

The lion and the calf will lay down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I'd call him a sadistic hippophilic necrophile but that would be beating a dead horse.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

In California they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Probably in retrospect I should have bowed out of that relationship (with Farrow) much earlier than I did.

The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

one of the truly lucky things that happened to me in my life.

Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I've gained no insight no mellowing. I would make the same mistakes again.

Thing

I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

On the plus side death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.