If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.
Terry PratchettAny man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Albert EinsteinHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George BurnsIf opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton BerleWhat's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny YoungmanIt is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Dave BarryLife is wasted on the living.
Douglas AdamsReality continues to ruin my life.
Bill WattersonLife is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.
Albert EinsteinIf at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny YoungmanOutside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho MarxFirst the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve MartinA lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
George CarlinA day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve MartinTweeting is really only good for one thing - it's just good for tweeting... It is rewarding because it's just its own reward. It's sort of like heaven.
Steve MartinIf this is coffee please bring me some tea, but if this is tea please bring me some coffee.
Abraham LincolnI don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer
Woody AllenOnly two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert EinsteinCommon looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
Abraham LincolnDo not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert HubbardYou can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny YoungmanI remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho MarxMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho MarxWhy should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
George Bernard ShawThat's the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry SeinfeldCreativity is intelligence having fun.
UnknownLive everyday as if it were your last because someday you're going to be right.
Muhammad AliIf you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV you're not considered well viewed.
Lily TomlinNever put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark TwainAll generalizations are false including this one.
Mark TwainI thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.
John WatersYou know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Steve MartinGood sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Mae WestBy all means marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy, if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.
SocratesFrom the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho MarxPolitics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho MarxPoliticians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Mark TwainIf you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.
George CarlinI don't know who my grandfather was, I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
Abraham LincolnI like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve MartinTalking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve MartinEvery one desires to live long but no one would be old.
Abraham LincolnI'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven WrightIf we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Albert EinsteinI know not with what weapons World War III will be fought but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Albert EinsteinThree can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin FranklinA lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark TwainIf your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
George CarlinSome people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.
Henny YoungmanMy grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny YoungmanWhen you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert EinsteinA black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho MarxThe difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert EinsteinPlease accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho MarxQuote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho MarxSome people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...
George CarlinAnyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Douglas AdamsIf I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?
Abraham LincolnName the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Mark TwainGod created war so that Americans would learn geography.
Mark TwainI intend to live forever or die trying.
Groucho MarxShe got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho MarxThe secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.
Groucho MarxAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George CarlinPeople say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Alan Alexander MilneThe other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George CarlinThere is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
Douglas AdamsAlways borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar WildeThe very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time somewhere someone said to themselves "You know I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".
George CarlinThe knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas AdamsMilitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho MarxI hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. ThompsonDon't Panic
Douglas AdamsThe book you don't read won't help.
Jim RohnThere was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.
Henny YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.
Henny YoungmanRoom service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho MarxYou know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like 'See if you can blow this out.'
Jerry SeinfeldThe covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose BierceSpace is big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store but that's just peanuts to space.
Douglas AdamsI have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark TwainAge is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
Mark TwainReader suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark TwainEvery man loves two women; the one is the creation of his imagination and the other is not yet born.
Kahlil GibranWe have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Lily TomlinWriting is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds
Douglas AdamsWhat is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve MartinYou can't blame gravity for falling in love.
Albert EinsteinI can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar WildeGo to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark TwainFacts are stubborn but statistics are more pliable.
Mark TwainOne should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
Oscar WildeA balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
UnknownA clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark TwainNo man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho MarxFor a moment nothing happened. Then after a second or so nothing continued to happen.
Douglas AdamsTrue friends stab you in the front.
Oscar WildeBetter to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham LincolnBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark TwainSome cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
Oscar WildeBehind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho MarxWe get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
George CarlinThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
George CarlinThe best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham LincolnClothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark TwainSanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Mark TwainMan does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho MarxOne morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho MarxMost people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George CarlinWithout a god life is only a matter of opinion.
Douglas AdamsI've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Steve MartinI didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Benjamin FranklinBefore I speak I have something important to say.
Groucho MarxI love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas AdamsI've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark TwainA mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
UnknownI couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
George CarlinI think therefore I am. I think.
George CarlinThe Answer to the Great Question Of.....Life the Universe and Everything.....(is) Forty-two.
Douglas AdamsI believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
Steve MartinMay the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George CarlinThere is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
Steve MartinWhen your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK, but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.
Steve MartinPessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Oscar WildeASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, 'Act swiftly awesome pachyderm!'
Dr. SeussLong engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.
Oscar WildeOnly dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
Oscar WildeThe biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.
Andy RooneyMy son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!
Henny YoungmanHistory doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.
Mark TwainAll women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar WildeGuys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Dave BarryEducation: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
Mark TwainLove is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody AllenIf it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
George CarlinWhat would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.
Mark TwainRepartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Mark TwainI know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?
Doug CouplandLife is a series of dogs
George CarlinMy doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson WellesI believe that sex is one of the most beautiful natural wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve MartinAll people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho MarxI hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
H. L. MenckenThere was a man from Sung who pulled at his rice plants because he was worried about their failure to grow.
ConfuciusI hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
Orson WellesIf you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny YoungmanDo not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
Albert EinsteinIt is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark TwainI think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George CarlinEuropeans like some Americans drive on the right side of the road except in England where they drive on both sides of the road, Italy where they drive on the sidewalk, and France where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.
Dave BarryDon't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish.
Mark TwainI want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Dave BarryI bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven WrightFishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting.
Dave BarryThere are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.
Mark TwainI worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho MarxIf you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave BarrySpeak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Laurence J. PeterOld age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.
ConfuciusI always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar WildeNymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.
Mignon McLaughlinOften it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Mark TwainHow marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes and far more expensive.
Oscar WildeYou look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny YoungmanFirst you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.
George BurnsThe English winter - ending in July, To recommence in August.
Lord ByronWhy don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny YoungmanAmerican consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave BarryEach year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.
Dave BarryThis man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny YoungmanIt takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George BurnsI never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will RogersHis lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody AllenCriticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing doing nothing and being nothing.
AristotleDon't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven WrightMan who open door for girlfriend reveal one thing... either car is new or girlfriend is.
UnknownWoman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
Oscar WildeI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch HedbergSex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
Woody AllenAnyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
Robert A. HeinleinI'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille BallI'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho MarxI have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
Mark TwainAnyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. FieldsThe chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it - and sometimes three.
HeraclitusAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest HemingwayActing is the most minor of gifts. After all, Shirley Temple could do it when she was four.
Katharine HepburnExaggeration is truth that has lost its temper.
Kahlil GibranWhat a dog, I got his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney DangerfieldMy one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody AllenIf you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Albert EinsteinSoap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Mark TwainI look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly PartonNothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth GalbraithTo be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost.
Gustave FlaubertEverybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Oscar WildeOne thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am, will never work in this town again.
Jim CarreyI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan RiversMy songs are like my children - I expect them to support me when I'm old.
Dolly PartonMan - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Mark TwainI have as much authority as the Pope I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George CarlinSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney DangerfieldWith me nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now we'll never see each other!
Rodney DangerfieldHuman nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations that a young person who either marries or dies is sure of being kindly spoken of.
Jane AustenThe difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.
Douglas AdamsAsk not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
Orson WellesWhen I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney DangerfieldIt's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan RiversA man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Mark TwainDogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave BarryA girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney DangerfieldI saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney DangerfieldAn intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
Aldous HuxleyThe more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
Mark TwainCuriosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven WrightSometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers 'nothing personal, your name just happened to come up'.
Charles M. SchulzI'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody AllenWhen your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Mark TwainWhat a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney DangerfieldEating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup only less filling.
Dave BarrySex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George BurnsTo refuse awards is another way of accepting them, with more noise than is normal.
Mark TwainWhen the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
Oscar WildeIt was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
Mark TwainI don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless, this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly I believe if you vote you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around
George CarlinIf you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.
Oscar WildeHere's something you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.
George CarlinI am being frank about myself in this book. I tell of my first mistake on page 850.
Henry A. KissingerLife is like a grapefruit. Well it's sort of orangy-yellow and dimpled on the outside wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside too. Oh and some people have a half a one for breakfast.
Douglas AdamsIt isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho MarxWe met Dr. Hall in such deep mourning that either his mother, his wife, or himself must be dead.
Jane AustenMarry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho MarxI seldom end up where I wanted to go but almost always end up where I need to be.
Douglas AdamsMarriage is neither heaven nor hell it is simply purgatory.
Abraham LincolnGod works wonders now and then, Behold a lawyer an honest man.
Benjamin FranklinThe typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
Oscar WildeI believe in equality for everyone except reporters and photographers.
Mahatma GandhiIt usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark TwainMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny YoungmanGuests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Benjamin FranklinAll philosophies, if you ride them home, are nonsense, but some are greater nonsense than others.
Samuel ButlerNever floss with a stranger.
Joan RiversHonesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark TwainI won't say that the papers misquote me, but I sometimes wonder where Christianity would be today if some of those reporters had been Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Barry GoldwaterThere are lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Mark TwainA church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
H. L. MenckenI sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody AllenI read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho MarxDon't knock the weather, nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
Kin HubbardThe most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
Albert EinsteinI didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark TwainNoise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Mark TwainConfidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
Ambrose BierceShe had lost the art of conversation, but not unfortunately the power of speech.
George Bernard ShawMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
Rodney DangerfieldHow do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. I drink the blood of young runaways.
William ShatnerForget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.
Doug CouplandIf a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work
George CarlinMelancholy men are, of all others, the most witty.
AristotleWhat is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
Mark TwainI sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar WildeAmericans are a quarter of a billion people who have almost nothing in common, except for the fact they've been told they have lots in common.
Doug CouplandThe information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Dave BarryAnother possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave BarryI have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.
George W. BushYou can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin Pierce AdamsWe know three or four songs ... But we play about 50.
Dave BarryFor several days after my first book was published I carried it about in my pocket and took surreptitious peeps at it to make sure the ink had not faded.
James Matthew BarrieWhen red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.
Mark TwainI had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody AllenI blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan RiversI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
George CarlinThe mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.
Douglas AdamsI drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch HedbergI'm half-Irish half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog I'd be in a hell of a mess!
Audrey HepburnA lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.
Samuel ButlerA woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor RooseveltOne tequila two tequila three tequila floor.
George CarlinI was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know.
Mark TwainIf one could only teach the English how to talk and the Irish how to listen society here would be quite civilized.
Oscar WildeThe moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a long passageway recognize each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognizing each other the whole length of the corridor.
Douglas AdamsWives in their husbands' absences grow subtler, and daughters sometimes run off with the butler.
Lord ByronHe felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
Douglas AdamsHe who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
Albert EinsteinThe Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same but the medical practice changes.
Mark TwainCar designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma BombeckThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny YoungmanI would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch HedbergMarriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld