Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on I go to the library and read a good book.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day today and I'm going to be happy in it.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Before I speak I have something important to say.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book and does.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "Yes " you know he is a crook.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Well Art is Art isn't it? Still on the other hand water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Go and never darken my towels again.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.

In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Those are my principles and if you don't like them... well I have others.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you.

I didn't like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent as written in our contract.

I must confess I was born at a very early age.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

If you've heard this story before don't stop me because I'd like to hear it again.

Why I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.