Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on I go to the library and read a good book.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day today and I'm going to be happy in it.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.