George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Some people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time somewhere someone said to themselves "You know I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

I think therefore I am. I think.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor

Life is a series of dogs

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I have as much authority as the Pope I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless, this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly I believe if you vote you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around

Here's something you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.