George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

If you think there's a solution you're part of the problem.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Some people see things that are and ask "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time somewhere someone said to themselves "You know I want to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

I think therefore I am. I think.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor

Life is a series of dogs

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I have as much authority as the Pope I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless, this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly I believe if you vote you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around

Here's something you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

You live eighty years and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Well if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal, but selling sex is illegal.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

Put two things together which have never been put together before and some schmuck will buy it.

If you can't beat them arrange to have them beaten.

There will be a rain dance, friday night weather permitting

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

In Rome the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Put this whole thing behind me.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept

Always do whatever's next

When someone is impatient and says "I haven't got all day " I always wonder How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Not only do I not know what's going on I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did

In labor news longshoremen walked off the piers today, rescue operations are continuing

They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

The status quo sucks.

What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuck you I'm getting in the plane it's alot nicer in there.

When I was a kid if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

I've never had a 10 but one night I had five twos

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Excuse me officer but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see

When you stress individualism as this country does, materialism as this country does, personal weaponry as this country does, and racial hatred which is part of our heritage as white Europeans, and then you add the volatile ingredient of "nothing

I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family friends work and my lady Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here?' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world you're given a ticket to the freak show, if you're born in America you get a front row seat.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree something is wrong.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own so both of them together is certain death.

The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision, everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time "Well okay that's enough of that."

If we could just find out who's in charge we could kill him.

I do this real moron thing it's called thinking and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people

Without the laughs the audience wouldn't be there at all so in that sense yes I am a comedian.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose but that a part of hell will break loose - it'll be much harder to detect

Let a smile be your umbrella and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like

If a piece requires some specific inflection I'll record it. I take a lot of notes and later categorize them combining them alongside existing ideas and eventually put a piece together.

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)

If churches want to play the game of politics let them pay admission like everyone else

I'm the creative type

The bigger they are the worse they smell.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Cop didn't see it I didn't do it!

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you get a front row seat.

At a formal dinner party the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do stand the world upside down.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist

You can't really find somebody that has been so prolific so 'on the scene ' so popular and cutting-edge as Carlin. He is the Rolling Stones of stand-up.

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

The more syllables a euphemism has the further divorced from reality it is

I don't know what to do during a moment of silence. What do they expect of me? They don't say pray. Fuck 'em I'll pray if I want to. Hey! Pray!. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I have evil thoughts.

What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring it would GO OFF!! EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! HELLO! HELLO!!

Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format five eight 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners so since writing books the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials and it can also end up in one of the books.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I believe you can joke about anything.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Everything beeps now

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar

Jesus was a cross dresser

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Without the laughs the audience wouldn

In comic strips the person on the right always speaks first.

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School, and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

Regarding the Boy Scouts I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

Religion is just mind control

I tell ya if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it probably ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

What are you going to do play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years >Read People Magazine your whole life...? Take a freakin' chance!

'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going you aren't there yet.

I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims, this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt period f*ck you end of report next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full free democratic election

If the Reds were baseball's first team who did they play?

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies insecticided grain For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America America man sheds his waste on thee And hides the pines with billboard signs from sea to oily sea.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.

Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People

[He appreciated its] compounded vulgarity ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network ' 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore' quality.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Most people are not particularly good at anything

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans

Think about it

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas take your next trip in kilometers.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

A blank slate -- and you get to play.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

When cheese gets it's picture taken what does it say?

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End I purposely open the end where it says that

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck.

You can prick your finger but don't finger your prick!

By and large language is a tool for concealing the truth

Think off-center.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young you get a gold watch you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs alcohol you party you get ready for high school. You go to grade school you become a kid you play you have no responsibilities you become a little baby you go back into the womb you spend your last nine months floating... ...and you finish off as an orgasm.