Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I want to get a vending machine with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad but it will be too late.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I wish my name was Brian, because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I can whistle with my fingers especially if I have a whistle.

I remixed a remix it was back to normal.

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time... and last night all those people were at my show.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head and the top of my head ain't funny!

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Do you think I am standing here making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

My sister wanted to be an actress but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress she just never gets called to the set.

My belt holds my pants up but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble but as soon as the gum lost its flavor I was back to pondering my mortality.

I wear a necklace cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

When someone hands you a flyer it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah I remember that... day.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No but I want a regular banana later so... yeah.'

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good and make a cart.

I like Kit-Kat unless I'm with four or more people.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to too.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish they just want to make it late for something.

I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am 1 000 of something is too many. I'll have 1 000 pieces of noodles.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said "You're gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this I pinch it together then I let it go then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.

I know a lot about cars man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Every time I go and shave I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say 'I'm gonna go shave too.'

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get I'll never be as good as a wall.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.