Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Enjoy the best Mitch Hedberg picture quotes.

Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I want to get a vending machine with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad but it will be too late.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I wish my name was Brian, because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I can whistle with my fingers especially if I have a whistle.

I remixed a remix it was back to normal.

Y'know you can't please all the people all the time... and last night all those people were at my show.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head and the top of my head ain't funny!

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

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