Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool Opotamus?

Author: Mitch Hedberg

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.