Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Whenever I think of the past it brings back so many memories.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you had a million Shakespeares could they write like a monkey?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future but only way off to the side.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you shoot at mimes should you use a silencer?

George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns do all the rest have to drown too?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parentheses.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive but only for a second.

So do you live around here often?

If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.

What a nice night for an evening.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Is it weird in here or is it just me?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is it's always room temperature.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled how would we know?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking " but I don't have that much time.

If God dropped acid would he see people?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I die I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

How young can you die of old age?

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

When I was a kid I went to the store and asked the guy Do you have any toy train schedules?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there the guy was locking the front door. I said 'Hey the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Yes but not in a row.'

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs was it a joke?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth then someone somewhere is making a penny.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is it's always room temperature.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a silencer?

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

In Vegas I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said "What for?" I said "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

When I was crossing the border into Canada they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said "Well what do you need?"

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The other day I... uh no that wasn't me.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.