Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

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Read more about Steven Wright on Wikipedia.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Whenever I think of the past it brings back so many memories.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you had a million Shakespeares could they write like a monkey?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future but only way off to the side.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you shoot at mimes should you use a silencer?

George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

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