George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you forget to pull it down.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

This is the sixth book I've written which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Happiness? A good cigar a good meal a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman, it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity I would have to say it is avoiding worry stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me I'd still have to say it.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script and they pay me enough I'll do it.

How can I die? I'm booked.

If you live to be one hundred you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

At my age flowers scare me.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I would go out with women my age but there are no women my age.

It's good to be here. At 98 it's good to be anywhere.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.

I can't afford to die, I'd lose too much money.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Don't stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

You've got to be honest, if you can fake that you've got it made.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides I can't die now - I'm booked.

Look to the future because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

I spent a year in that town one Sunday.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.