Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers

Joan Alexandra Molinsky (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), widely known as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, writer, voice actress, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—alternatingly self-deprecating or sharply acerbic, especially toward celebrities and politicians.

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Read more about Joan Rivers on Wikipedia.

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Never floss with a stranger.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Yeah I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history too.

I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I lived to be on stage and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I am furious about everything.

Our natures are a lot like oil mix us with anything else and we strive to swim on top.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Forty for you sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Don't follow any advice no matter how good until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh it's tough.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

The thing is I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I'm in nobody's circle I've always been an outsider.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I have no methods, all I do is accept people as they are.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over He would have put diamonds on the floor.

A man can sleep around no questions asked but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good and it's totally youth-oriented.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said 'Get the hell off my property.'

Diets like clothes should be tailored to you.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I just love acting.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I've had so much plastic surgery when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy very secluded but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it that's acting.

I was not an attractive child.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

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