Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers

Joan Alexandra Molinsky (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), widely known as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, writer, voice actress, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—alternatingly self-deprecating or sharply acerbic, especially toward celebrities and politicians.

Enjoy the best Joan Rivers picture quotes.

Read more about Joan Rivers on Wikipedia.

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Never floss with a stranger.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Yeah I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history too.

I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I lived to be on stage and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I am furious about everything.

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