Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out she'll kill me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

If my mother knew I did this for a living she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it and puts in into an unlocked car.

Take my wife... Please!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

When God sneezed I didn't know what to say.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert then joined the army. The first time he saluted he killed himself.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If you had your life to live over again do it overseas.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

You have a nice personality but not for a human being.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad, but New York City?

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.