Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out she'll kill me.