W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you it's what you answer to.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Some things are better than sex and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water, that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress and you've seen the devil.

Last week I went to Philadelphia but it was closed.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I like children - fried.

If there's a will prosperity can't be far behind.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance baffle them with bull.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I never met a kid I liked.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia I think it was on a Sunday.

All the men in my family were bearded and most of the women.

Hell I never vote for anybody I always vote against.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

On the whole I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

When we have lost everything including hope life becomes a disgrace and death a duty.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake which I also keep handy.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Ah the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em but I wouldn't want to own one.

Never try to impress a woman because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Never cry over spilt milk because it may have been poisoned.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Remember a dead fish can float downstream but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake which I also keep handy.

I drink therefore I am.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night she can still survive.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

I never worry about being driven to drink, I just worry about being driven home.

If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death where is thy sting?

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Don't worry about your heart it will last you as long as you live.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

If I had to live my life over I'd live over a saloon.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.