It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.

Sometimes you do something and you get screwed. Sometimes it's the things you don't do and you get screwed.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Did you know that the White House drug test is multiple choice?

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think "I know what I'm doing just show me somebody naked."

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Boy those French: they have a different word for everything!

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me, I always feel that they have not said enough.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Only kings, presidents, editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."

The brain is a wonderful organ, it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman however wrong he might be.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about he goes off and gets married.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

You live eighty years and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall short thin or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Cynicism is humor in ill health.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

Journalists are like dogs - whenever anything moves they begin to bark.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I want to get a vending machine with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad but it will be too late.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

On his two younger sisters he then bestowed an equal portion of his fraternal tenderness, for he asked each of them how they did and observed that they both looked very ugly.

If there's anything a public servant hates to do, it's something for the public.

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A Conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling 'Stop!'

Man has always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much...the wheel New York wars and so on...while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man...for precisely the same reason.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

No, that's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the Universe has that.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind, it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

If my film makes one more person miserable I've done my job

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors and rarely invite them round to dinner.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

If one plays good music people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course if you dig deeper it's really how it works.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

I can make more generals but horses cost money.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must above all be a sheep oneself.

My books are like water, those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well on the surface of a gas covered planet, going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away, and think this to be normal, is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale skinny people who look half-dead. In a steak house you see robust ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

I wouldn't trust Nixon from here to that phone.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out she'll kill me.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

We believe that electricity exists because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers common sense snuck in at number 79.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - this is a somewhat new kind of religion.

America is a country that doesn't know where it is going, but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

If you're not a tree hugger then you're, a what, a tree hater?

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much, if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.

Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: getting out of bed.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.

My education was interrupted only by my schooling

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

Even traveling despondently is better than arriving here.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.

Adventure without risk is Disneyland.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It is not best that we should all think alike, it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

A cat can maintain a position of curled up somnolence on your knee until you are nearly upright. To the last minute she hopes your conscience will get the better of you and you will settle down again.

I hate rap music which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

You speak an infinite deal of nothing.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it I get up.

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Bacchus n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

Well if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "Yes " you know he is a crook.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book and does.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Now true humor begins when a man ceases to take himself seriously.

Let us not be too particular, it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Cloquet hated reality, but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Well excuuuuuse me!

One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal, but selling sex is illegal.

If my mother knew I did this for a living she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...or as his wife would have it an idiot.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter she is perfectly satisfied.

The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

For me the worst part of playing golf by far has always been hitting the ball.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

Fun is good.

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

We have the best government that money can buy.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Well Art is Art isn't it? Still on the other hand water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me 'This is going to take more than one night.'

You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

Put two things together which have never been put together before and some schmuck will buy it.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot but it was equally uncomfortable on each.

You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say ,so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.

One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.

But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news which obeys its own special laws.

If you can't beat them arrange to have them beaten.

American Atheists: "What message would you like to send to your Atheist fans?" Douglas Adams: "Hello! How are you?"

Watch?? I'm gonna pray Man! Know any good religions?

The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.

As I get older all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

This is the sixth book I've written which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny but chaos in the midst of order is.

I have struck a city - a real city - and they call it Chicago... I urgently desire never to see it again. It is inhabited by savages.

I can whistle with my fingers especially if I have a whistle.

Fathers are biological necessities but social accidents.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere but they're just not comedians. In fact some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.

Eugene is located in western Oregon approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

You know the funny thing I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it and puts in into an unlocked car.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept

All human history attests, That happiness for man - the hungry sinner! Since Eve ate apples much depends on dinner.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Take my wife... Please!

Perhaps I'm old and tired but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied.

Not only do I not know what's going on I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: "President Can't Swim."

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like, if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like, maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

You need to be silly to be funny.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head and the top of my head ain't funny!

Perhaps after all America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuck you I'm getting in the plane it's alot nicer in there.

If there's anything more important than my ego around I want it caught and shot now.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

There are many things that we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Dave is one of my favorite sources of information and opinion on the Web. His opinions are passionately held, well-informed, intelligent, argumentative and quite often wrong.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Whatever is funny is subversive every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed.

Drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

My wife met me at the door, the other night, in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead you are made for life.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

I hate it when people take the things I say and turn them into something sexual. Just because it's funny to them doesn't mean everyone is going to take it that way. And I don't.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola

Once I planned to write a book of poems entirely about the things in my pocket. But I found it would be too long, and the age of the great epics is past.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

If we could just find out who's in charge we could kill him.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special put 'em on the menu.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Because of their size parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

You want an example (of how things have changed since the 81). 'Kobe you suck Kobe Bryant